Newcastle United’s reported line up under new ownership… according to our ‘sources’.

Premier League

Rumours have been aplenty since the takeover news burst onto the scene and sports journalists have been LOVING it. I don’t blame them – when you have folks like me who will click on any article with the words ‘Newcastle’ and ‘Transfer’ in it, I’d do exactly the same.

Given all the names being thrown around like Nicolas Anelka on a transfer dead-line day, we thought we would also present our potential starting 11 based on our reliable ‘sources’ 😉

Please see references to our legit sources below.

Manager – ‘Arry Redknapp
“Well ya know”, forget Poch and Zidane – this is the man we want! With all the money that will be behind Newcastle after this takeover is complete, we need a manager who can bring in big name players! I am talking about the likes of Peter Crouch, Herman Hreidarsson, Niko Kranjcar and Benjani.

Goal Keeper – David de Gea
Our ‘source’ 😉 here (Aunty Susan, in the queue at Tesco’s last week) has told us that David de Gea is reportedly unhappy playing for a small club and wants to make the move to the real United. TBH, he’s not nearly as good as Dubravka, but since we’ll be paying £90m for him, we may as well start him for the first few games.

Left Back – Shane Ferguson
To win trophies, we need to show ambition. Our underground reports have led us to believe that this is almost a done deal. We didn’t think we could afford him, but Joe Kinnear also didn’t think he could make it as a director of football – and look what happened.

Centre Back – Sergio Ramos
If you didn’t know this, Newcastle United are LOVED by the referees. We always get the blow of the whistle unlike Manchester United, who just never seem to catch a break. Given this unfair advantage, our new owners have thought it appropriate that we sign the best behaved player in the game, who only has 20 red cards in La Liga. Should get him for a few quid.

Centre Back – Mike Williamson
Was he the best defender Newcastle United have ever had? No. But what can we say, our reliable ‘sources’ 😉 say contract talks have been concluded and he’s had his medical. Newcastle need pace, and that’s just what we’ve got here.

Right back – Nelson Semedo
After playing with with the great Lionel Messi, Semedo wants to take a step up and play for the same club as the greatest ever player – Shola Ameobi. Being this ambitious is tough, but this is what top dollar gets you. 16 year old YouTuber, Geoff, says the deal is done and that means it’s true – expect to see this break in newspapers soon.

Left midfield – Luka Modric
Luka, reportedly, is tired of feeding poor quality strikers like Ronaldo and Benzema in his career. This is why it was an easy catch for Newcastle United. We could have got him for £85m, but we have reportedly paid £120m just because we can. Howay Luka.

Central Midfield – “Yohan Kebab”
Joe Kinnear put this one together, and we just have to say “job well done!”

Right Midfield – Kevin De Bruyne
There has been no link here whatsoever, but since we are new to this game, we just thought we’d start a rumour. So please spread this and tell all your mates. It’s definitely happening, #cans.

Right Forward – Ferenk Puskas
Yes, we know what you are thinking – “this guy died 14 years ago!”, but still, it’s what our reliable ‘sources’ 😉 have informed us of, and we are obliged to bring you the latest news. Credit to our new owners for getting this one over the line!

Centre Forward – Peter Crouch
This is why our new owners have signed a top quality manager – to bring in players like Crouchy. Can you just picture it already? Yohan Kebab floats a long ball into the box, as Crouchy towers over the defence to header it home – then proceeds to do the robot in front of the Gallowgate end! Gold.

Left Forward – Lionel Messi
Messi – not half bad. New owners couldn’t afford Shola Ameobi unfortunately, so they went for second prize in the little genius. Our ‘source’ ;), Sergio, who runs a falafel shop in Marbella, says it’s a done deal for a cool £250m. The partnership and connection between him and Redknapp is mouth-watering.

So, Newcastle fans, this is what you can expect the line up to be very soon and we believe it’s honestly untouchable. As promised we have listed our very credible ‘sources’ 😉 below.

1) 16 year old YouTuber – Geoff.
2) Sergio, falafel shop owner in Marbella.
3) Susan, in the queue at Tesco’s last week.
4) Had a dream once.


2 thoughts on “Newcastle United’s reported line up under new ownership… according to our ‘sources’.

  1. Hahaha! Will never forget when the news stories came out that Joe Kinnear scouted Shane Ferguson as a potential transfer target – When he was on loan from Newcastle at the time….

    Keep up the good work!

    Liked by 1 person

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